Crisp Collective

Community for a Cause

Hope in Heartbreak

This post is very hard to write, but I know it’s time to rip the virtual band-aid off.  After all, how can God use us or our story for good if we are not willing to tell it?

About a month ago I was thrilled to announce that our family was adopting a little girl!  After mourning a miscarriage and medical issues, we had surrendered to the thought that maybe our family was complete.   Then in December our sweet friend Lisa shared that the birth mother of the baby girl they had adopted earlier that year was pregnant again.  Their agency had reached out to see if they would be willing to adopt this baby as well to keep these siblings together.  You can read the full story here, but that is how our journey with adoption began.

Over the next few months my husband and I crammed what typically takes a year or so into just a few months to complete everything required on our end to adopt.  We conference called with the birth parents and our agent, were sent the clinic results of a positive pregnancy test, sonogram pictures and got regular updates.  Our adoption was going to be closed, meaning after the baby was born the birthmother did not want any contact with us.  Since that was the case, all communication was only with our agent.  We communicated through phone calls, texts and emails since the agency and birth parents were several states away.  We were so thankful to have Lisa and her family to help us, as they had adopted through this agency before.

My Dad dealt with cancer off and on for many, many years.  About three years ago he was told he had pretty much run out of treatment options to get rid of the cancer completely, but that there were many methods he could try to keep it contained for as long as possible.  The doctor estimated that he probably had about two years.  While we were all devastated by this news, we looked at this as a gift of knowledge that is not given to everyone.  We would make the most of the time we had!  My Dad retired from his job, and was open to all the treatment options recommended.  As Poppy to my boys we went on many “adventures” during that time while he still had energy.  Dad felt pretty good for so much longer than his doctors originally anticipated, but around the time we began this adoption process, his health had started to really decline.

Once our birthmother hit 36 weeks we decided to share our news.  She had given birth to her last baby (Lisa’s daughter) at 36 weeks, so at that point we really thought we would meet our girl any day!  We were SO excited!!  We had purchased a larger SUV and were gathering all the baby gear we needed to be ready for our girl!  Our agent went to pick our birthmother up for her 36 week appointment, and she was not there.  They rescheduled, the agent went to pick her up for that appointment…again, not there.  She went MIA for 9 days…NINE!!  As you can imagine SO many scenarios raced through our minds, but most of our fears centered around our birth mother using drugs.  She had a history of drug addiction, and while she had random drug tests throughout the pregnancy, we worried she had relapsed.  I prayed that if our baby was born with severe health issues or deformities that God would give us the strength and knowledge to handle it.

Finally, a few days shy of 39 weeks our agent heard from her and went over to visit.  Our agent took pictures of the birthmother and father and sent them to us.  Tears rolled down my face as I saw her huge belly and a screenshotted text conversation where the birthmother said, “the baby is still cooking and looking good.”

At the same time it became painfully clear that my Dad’s time was running out.  Cancer is so very hateful.  I am thankful we were all together that Sunday to celebrate my Dad’s birthday, Mother’s Day, and to say goodbye.  That next morning, our birthmother’s 40 week due date, my mom sent us all a text to say my Dad had passed.  We spent the day together grieving and figuring out logistics.  Both my mom and I said we just had a feeling our baby girl would come that day, and as painful as everything was, that made us smile.

The next morning our agent called.  She had stopped by our birthmother’s house, and she had answered the door high and alarmingly skinny.  She asked if she had had the baby, and our birthmother said there had never been a baby.  She and the birthfather devised this plan as a way to make money.  The agent was confused as she said she had touched her pregnant belly just a week prior.  Our birth mother explained that she had been wearing a fake belly.

Needless to say, the last few days have been some of the toughest of my life.  I loved my sweet Dad fiercely, and while we were given warning, nothing fully prepares you for losing a parent.  The world just suddenly feels emptier.  And at the risk of sounding dramatic, the news of our baby girl felt like a death and a swift kick to the gut all at the same time.  To us she was REAL and she was OURS.   We had stepped out in faith and felt so strongly called to this specific situation.  When I think of the sweet conversations with my boys who were so excited to meet their new baby sister, our community that prayed over this baby, our plans with Lisa’s family to raise these sisters together, and my Dad who fought so hard to be here to meet her….there are just no words.

At a time when God felt very far away, He used His people to show us His love.  Sweet friends texted, called, prayed on our doorstep, shared scripture, brought us meals, sent gifts, carted our boys around, and on and on.  We had a memorial service for my Dad this past Tuesday, and it truly was such a beautiful celebration of a life well lived.  Every face in the crowd warmed our hearts and reminded us my Dad is at home and no longer in pain.

I have replayed this over and over, and while my heart still aches, here is all I really know.  I serve a Good Father, one who called me to this, just not for the reason I thought.  I do not know why this happened, and I may not ever know, but I know I am fully loved by Him.  None of this is a surprise to Him.  He wrote every line of my story long ago, and while this chapter is a tough one, the story is not over.  I WILL NOT let the evil actions of a few steal my JOY or my FAITH.  A life of following Him does not exempt us from the pain of the world, it just gives us the tools to handle it.

My husband and I are doing all we can to seek justice and make sure this never happens to anyone else.  Both the “birth mother” and “father” had used this agency for previous successful adoptions.  They knew the flaws in their system, and saw an opportunity.  While I fully believe our agency was not a part of this fraud, they clearly need more checks and balances.  There is NO reason this scam should have lasted from December to May!  I will pray for these birth parents….they clearly need Jesus.

If you are considering or have a heart for adoption, PLEASE do not let our story deter you.  That is in NO WAY my intention in sharing.  Adoption is a wonderful, beautiful thing, and for every story like ours there are thousands more with no issues at all!

Our family is unsure of our next chapter.  Our agency offered to match us with another birthmother, but we declined at this time.  We ask for your prayers for guidance and comfort.

In the meantime, I plan to hug my boys a little tighter, appreciate my husband, spend more time with my sweet mama, and take more notice of those who might be hurting around me.  I cannot stress enough what community has meant to us in this time, and I plan to spend my life lifting others up to pay it back.

I was working on a boho ballerina nursery for my girl with this verse as the theme:

“You turned my wailing into dancing;

You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.

Lord my God, I will praise you forever.”

Psalm 30:11-12

While ballet slippers and bows may not be my future, I know the one that holds it, and His plans are always perfect.

 

 

Comments

  1. I admire your strength, Bethany! And, though it was not easy, I’m so glad you shared your story. I know know God has BIG plans for you! I love you SO MUCH!

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  2. Oh my gosh, Bethany!!! I am so sorry for this double loss. Continue to cling to your faith and family. My prayers are with you! Love you, friend!

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  4. Beautiful story, Bethany. I am so glad that you are drawing on your faith and not letting someone who has done evil deeds steal your joy. You are a daughter of the King, and He will never forsake you. I love your sweet family and will continue to pray for you.

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  5. Oh, Bethany, I do not know how to put into words how sorry I am for the loss of your father, and, now, for this unbelievably cruel news that you have so courageously shared. Your faith sustains you, I know, and you are a strong and kind and good person, but I just want to see those two prosecuted to the limit of what the law allows and not given one benefit of the doubt! Throw the book at them!! Please take care of yourself! Love, hugs and best wishes to you at this very difficult time of your life!!

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  6. Bethany you have been on my mind and in my heart. You are so strong and such an inspiration. Know that I and so many others are thinking of you and praying for you and your sweet family. Love you friend!

    Aleshia

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  7. beautiful! you are such a strong amazing mama and i’m so glad i can call you friend! he has a plan and i know you and your sweet family are held in his strong hands! i will continue my prayers for you all! <3

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  8. This bought tears to my eyes because of your tremendous losses but also because of your strong faith and trust in the Lord for his plan.

    You are such an amazingly strong woman, wife and mother. I know your father was so proud of you – it was very apparent.

    Keep your strong faith and be still and know.

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  9. Bethany, thanks for sharing your story. I am so sorry for all the loss you have had in such a short time. You have a beautiful heart and a beautiful faith; I don’t know what God will do with all this, but your faith is an encouragement to me and to many others. I pray you keep your Joy and let God wrap you and your family in His peace and comfort.

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  10. Your faith really is a testament in itself. You indeed suffered two deaths at once. I’m so sorry and lifting you up in prayer. Maybe don’t get rid of the ballet slippers and bows just yet. You never know what God has up his sleeve.

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  11. I love you Bethany. Thank you friend for sharing this unbelievable journey with us. I am praying for you and your family daily.

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  12. My heart is breaking for you. What a cruel, heartless thing to do. Your post is so loving and I truly feel Jesus would have responded in a similar manner. God bless you for the courage it took to put yourself out there to adopt and then to share this devastation. I’m subscribing to your blog now and am praying for you and your family. Xo!

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  13. My heart hurts for you my friend. You have endured two big losses and have handled it with such grace. I am so happy that you are not letting this shake your faith but instead are drawing closer to God. You inspire me ?

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  14. I am just speechless. I mean, i couldn’t imagine the pain you and your family must of felt at that time. The lies, heartbrokeness and the deceitfulness.

    But what the devil meant for evil God will always turn around for good for his Glory. And you sharing this definatey will make people to be more aware and hopefully fix people’s slipping through the cracks with these situations.

    Thank you for this story.

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  15. Your testimony will surely be an encouragement to many my friend. Hugs and prayers to you as you continue to walk and grieve in faith. ?

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  16. This post brought tears to my eyes. I am so saddened that such a sweet soul as yourself had to endure dealings with such evil people. I hope you are able to spend lots of time with your mother-you need each other right now more than ever!

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  17. Bethany I’m so sorry to hear of this news. You’re so sweet and kind! Those people definitely need Jesus. Remember Jesus is the one who will ultimately judge them for their wrong. Your Faith is strong, even through these hard times, I’m encouraged from your love you still show even towards those who’ve hurt. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  18. Bethany,
    I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. He was such a talented and special man. I lost my step-father to cancer two years ago. They gave him 11 months and he lived almost 16 years! Im so glad you were able to be with your dad at the end. I know how close the two of you were, and I’m so sorry he has passed. At least he is in heaven and no longer suffering. I wouldn’t be surprised if he produced a heavenly show! Such a passion he had in that arena and so much talent he had to share.

    The unfortunate circumstances regarding adopting a little girl is heartbreaking. However, there are so many children in need of a loving home. I have faith that this will work out for you. The perfect little girl will arrive when the time is right, and will have the best family in the world!

    If there is anything I can do for you, please dont hesitate to call
    me. I’m not very far away!

    Dancingly Yours,
    Michelle Hames

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    • How very kind of you Michelle! I am so sorry to hear you lost your step father. Cancer can be so very ugly, but you are right…they are both finally home! I like to think God needed another stage manager for his productions, and Dad is right in his element. I appreciate your prayers and encouragement so very much!

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  20. Bethany, you expressed your situation beautifully and God will use it. I wanted to let you know that we are having a surprise retirement gathering for your mom tomorrow (Wednesday) around 2. If you, your brother, or Jennifer would like to come, we would love to have you.

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  21. Bethany, I just stumbled onto your blog after following you on LIKEtoKNOW.it…you’re the reason I have this beautiful cozy rug in my living room that helped turn our new house into a home ??. Your story while heartbreaking is filled with hope. It was so very brave of you to share it. It was truly the Holy Spirit speaking through you. I hope for you and your family new joys in the years to come. Blessings ❤️

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  22. Hi Bethany, I have perused so many blogs, instagrams, and comment sections over the years, and I have never left a comment. I got up early this morning, too early!, like I do most mornings, around 4. I have 5 kids and a husband who goes to work at 4:30. He left for work, and I decided to check out some decor inspiration on pinterest, somehow ended up at your blog and found this post.. Not often am I left speechless, but still at this moment I am left almost completely speechless. My heart aches for you and your family. I cannot imagine the heartache you and yours have gone through, and surely are still going through in little reminders that the everyday brings your way. Adoption has a very special place in my heart, as I was a foster child who aged out of the system. I want to thank you for not letting two people whose lives are obviously in too much disarray to see how much their terrible actions can affect so many
    change how you feel about adoption. Whether you choose to adopt again or not I will pray for your family, for courage, guidance, and support. And I know that little baby was real, I know the pain of losing a baby, a baby that you never got to hold, her soul exists somewhere because of the love you have for her. Thank you for sharing.

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  23. Thank you Niki for reading our story and for your sweet encouragement and prayers. I KNOW God has His hand over this, and will lead us where we need to go! I would never discourage anyone from adopting. It is a beautiful thing, and I hope it works out for our family someday, if it is in God’s plan. I can’t imagine what it was like growing up in the foster system, but I can imagine it made you very strong and an incredibly loving mama now to your 5 children. God bless you!

    Reply

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